You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
