Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize