barbara walters just said penis...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
