No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
