Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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