Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
