I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
