Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
