plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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