If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I need a burrito and a hug.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
