First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
