you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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