does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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