i think my mom watched the whole time
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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