I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
