I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize