You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
