Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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