I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
FUCK WHALES
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
