i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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