i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
