Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
