If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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