I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
