i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
