cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
