Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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