Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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