I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize