he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
