we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
