Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
