I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
