I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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