From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize