you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
