I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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