You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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