be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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