you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
