I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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