I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
