Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
