you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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