seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
