And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
