I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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