I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
