my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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