Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
