even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
