I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
