I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
