a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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