My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
