Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
